Last night I did something I NEVER do. When Red announced he was hungry at 7:30pm (the time by which they are usually fed/bathed/snuggled up in bed listening to me read a chapter book) but he was, in fact, sitting fully clothed on my bed watching the 2012 World Series Game 4 on YouTube and insisted he had a bad case of after dinner starvation ... I did something insane.
I went to the freezer and pulled out the cookie dough I was saving for an emergency (squirreled away 2 days / months? ago) and PUT IT IN THE OVEN.
We ate them together ON MY BED at 8pm on a school night (Hahahahaha! what’s that?)
I thought I had already hit the wall (several walls!) I was scaling them and busting through em like the koolaid man so when I ran at this one with all my might, expecting to feel that glorious smash! ... it was disorienting to wake up groggy with a huge bump on my head. Wall for the win. There was nothing to do but lay there in a heap, hoping for some afternoon shade.
I turned everything down yesterday, only doing things that would help make a little space. This morning we woke up and grumbled at each other and made breakfast and screamed about doing computer school (but then someone walked in after closing their meeting and said, “I’m not gonna lie that was fun. Thanks for making me do it.”)
Some days we make ourselves do the crap we cannot do (cooking! exercise! hallway baseball!) because, I’m not gonna lie, it really helps. Some days we stay up late, eating cookies and drinking seltzer in bed.
I want to keep things stable and impose some order on this chaos and be forever on even keel for the kids but I give in (not up!) I accept that not all days will look the same. Not all walls will be made of the same stuff.
I give in to letting myself be in the realness of this moment. It’s ok to need a minute. It’s ok for the kids to know life just sucks sometimes for Mama too. It’s ok to not be ok.
Swimming in the realness today It’s Ok
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